


My Favorite faded fantasy

by MadameTristesse



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:04:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22713004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameTristesse/pseuds/MadameTristesse
Summary: Kyo tries for once to express his feelings for Kaoru in some kind of a love letter.
Relationships: Kaoru/Kyo (Dir en grey)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cerinh (AnnieAmazing)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieAmazing/gifts).

**Prologue**

Kyo closed his eyes. The words he had just read still echoed in his mind, giving him feelings he usually never really looked at. The vocalist would never, in his entire life, admit it, but secretly he was a big fan of fanfictions. It amused him to read all those fantasies about his band mates and himself and sometimes, when his nightmares kept him from sleeping for days, they were the only thing that helped him during the night to calm himself and escape reality for a while. And sometimes, if he was honest with himself, they were the reason why he woke up Kaoru in the dead of the night to have a good old frantic fuck.

And sometimes, like now, he discovered some piece of written art that disturbingly touched him to the core. The story he had just finished was one of those. His skin began to prickle and a rush of inspiration shot through his mind and he felt the urgent need to write something down. Words he was never able to speak out loud, words he kept in his heart, tight up in the darkest corner of his soul. But for once, he wanted to be honest with his lover. Honest with himself. And if he wasn't able to say it out loud, he could at least write it down for his loved one.

-Kyo didn't consider himself as a good author, even with all the fans loving his lyrics and poetry, the anxious feeling of not being good enough sat always right behind his eyes, watching him, whispering all those words that made him insecure. But for once, he thought, maybe it didn’t matter in this case, as long as what he wrote was sincere.-

A sigh left the vocalists throat. He glanced over to his left where his band made, best friend, leader and lover lay, sleeping restlessly. The warmth he felt while looking at this precious man left him smiling, an honest smile he only shared with the man he loved. His fingers touched his pouty lips, he kissed them and placed them over Kaorus lips, just delicately, to not wake him up. "Sleep, my love…", he whispered into the silence of the night.

Kyo then stood up, determined, cracked his stiff limbs and walked out of the bedroom, finding his way even in the dead-dark of the night to Kaorus workspace. He knew the password for his lovers laptop and set down right in front of it, didn’t even bother with switching on the lights, just knocking nervously with his knuckles on the keyboard, impatience flicking through his body.

When the computer started up, the poet once more closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and let go of everything else invading his mind but the words he needed so desperately and immediately to pour out of him. He knew that this wasn't anything close to a love letter, but it would be the closest to one he could ever (have written) write.


	2. My favorite faded fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The so called loveletter Kyo writes for his precious Kaoru.

**Meat, sweat and heat**

_ Did your world turn upside down? _

_ When the narzisst grabbed your heart _

_ Swallowed; _

_ You scratched my reflection; _

_ Onto the mirror of your soul _

_ My sparkling eyes _

_ And _

_ The person I created _

_ For you; _

_ I am sorry _

_ My world turned upside down _

_ When I grabbed your heart _

_ swallowed; _

_ I scratched your reflection; _

_ Onto the mirror of my soul _

_ We are and we will always be; _

_ A mixture of meat, sweat and heat. _

-

You know, sometimes, I see myself as an ocean. A wild, undiscovered ocean. Stormy, aggressive, angry, rarely calm, the depths undetected even by myself. I just appear calm when every emotion is frozen because of another wave of depression, or whatever you want to call it. 

Your ship is the only one that has not sunk yet. That does not want to sink. I tried so many times to pull you into the depths of my soul, I wanted and still want to devour you and I'm certainly not proud of that, but over the years it had become more and more some kind of an addiction. But you know. You know me so well. And your acceptance and patience are only two of many things I adore you for. 

**Maybe one day;**

You stick to me for over a decade now. How is that possible, how do you manage? Besides our relationship as colleagues. I have never been able to understand. 

And above all, I could not believe you. Never did and never will. You are the only one I can't believe. Sweet words escaping your lips in the dim of the night, made for my heart and crawling under my skin, infiltrating my soul. From the very beginning. Forever. But even though I know what I felt and feel, sometimes more, sometimes less, but always true, you have been and will always be the one whose precious words I can not trust. They are supposed to touch me, make me feel loved and this was and is the

**one thing**

in the world I will always long for the most. It's my deepest fear and my only desire. And they do. 

-

I lied to myself and to the poor souls who fell in love with me in the past, when I admitted that I believed them. I bathed in their warmth, shared kisses of gold. They tried. And I pretended. Hoped and danced with the illusion of believing. But all too fast I recognized, over and over again, that nothing, and especially nobody, could fill the emptiness of my heart. Soon enough I felt the overwhelming urge to occupy their soul and their heart, because of my unruly desire to destroy one's hopes and spirits. I spat the remains of my so called loved ones onto the floor, scratched the skin off of my face, because all I know is suffering. Who used to love me I left behind. What I most yearn for no one could and no one can give me. 

**Suffering and pain of someone who loves me is what keeps me alive.**

And for all my life I’ve been searching for the one. The one who completes me. The gods told me already when they had sent you right into my arms years ago. But neither can I believe the gods, nor can I believe you. Your kiss is like a razor blade, cutting my lips apart. 

Sick as I am, a joke of a human being, you are the one I always wanted to hurt the most. I was frightened by the way you looked at me, still am, of what you wanted and want from me. I was afraid of myself. And I hated you for making me feel in the first place. Because no one was, and no one is allowed to make me feel at all and especially not so deeply. It does make me lose control. My walls collapsed and I hate the person behind. 

-(I wish I could erase the person I really am.)-

You made and still make me feel vulnerable. You have the power to destroy me. But I should be the only one in control over my emotions. I could not and can not give that up. Not in your hands, nor in someone else's.

**And when we kiss;**

But I remember that one night, not long ago. It had been almost romantic; the lights of our city shone like lanterns in the darkness; rain, like as if the heaven was crying for my sins and for our sake, to wash away the agony I put us in so often. I felt the electricity of our get-together, and for once, I wasn't afraid. And I thought, maybe now, maybe I can believe in you and in us. But almost naturally I failed; and failed us once again.

**I’m fighting the gods and betray our hearts.**

I'm afraid of how my words will affect our relationship. I need a cigarette, hope that the poison will cause a slow death, just like I deserve it; And want to get lost in my favorite faded fantasy. Of us. For the rest of tonight and maybe forever. Because I do. I… 

**I believe you.**

-

"I could love you more than life, If I wasn't so afraid", the vocalist whispered into his lovers ear(s), closing his arms around his beloved, heart beating heavy in his chest. 

-

"I know. And I believe. In us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here is my birthday present for my beloved Cerinh. We went through a lot and I'm one lucky frantic to still call her one of my truly loved best friends/soulmates. I love you to the moon and back, even if my actions sometimes speak the absolute opposite of it. 
> 
> Maybe there's a Epilogue following. I already started writing it, but then I got lost in my depression and stuff. The Epilogue would be very fluffy, so guys let me know if you want some more!
> 
> And thanks again from the bottom of my heart for the re-reading of PapilioMachaon!
> 
> Cheers to everyone.

**Author's Note:**

> Birthday gift for my beloved cerinh. She's my everything. 
> 
> (And today is not her birthday, but I want to tease her. For the next parts you have to wait until the 25th of February.)
> 
> Inspirations: Sticky Notes, Cerinh, Chapter 16 "All that matters" and "My favorite faded fantasy" - Damien Rice
> 
> Beta-Reader: PapilioMachaon. Thx!


End file.
